One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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