I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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