Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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