My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
