Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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