My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
