How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
