i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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