I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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