just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
