I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
