i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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