I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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