Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
