I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
