sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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