i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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