It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Two words: blizzard sex
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
