My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
