someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
