Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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