I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
