wanna go halves on a baby?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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