Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
My bed smells like the plague
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
