I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
