yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
