is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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