So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
