Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
