i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
