She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
