genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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