Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
