dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
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They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
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I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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