I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
