U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
