I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
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You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
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why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize