Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
