I just saw a hot homeless man
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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