The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
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I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
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I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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