Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Never joke about your clitoris.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
