First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
