I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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