3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
