Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Randomize
