Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
