There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
