3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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