Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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