did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Randomize
