The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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