mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
