just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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