My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
