I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
