1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
