true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
