did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
