How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Success! We fucked roommates!
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