my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Four minutes until I can fart!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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